Broken

It seems that I am all alone. 

 However, I want to be in my rut to see how I can get out. It's hard to feel something when you feel so unsure and unmotivated. I now that my last blog was just about me cleaning my room, but underneath the subtext, it was me screaming silently. I needed to re-read it to see how dull my life is. The other day I was talking to a friend, and he told me that everyone was in the same situation. I find that hard to believe since at the moment I am broken. Everyone that nows about this stage in my life, is trying to help me. I don't deserve it. I don't believe that everyone is exactly where I am. I am locked in my head with thoughts of failure and bad memories. Those thoughts, ideas, and memories are running in my head like a bad Backstreet boys song. I guess I need to get away. I talk to this wannabe Guru the other day about finding a purpose. He just kept on asking me circular questions. You know that one story about the old woman and the turtles. The old woman believed that the universe was on top of a turtle. When she was asked what is holding up the turtle, she replied "Another turtle." The meeting was something like that. The Guru asked me What do I want? ...

I want to feel less like a failure.

How will you do that?

I don't know. Maybe start with baby steps and organize my life.

what do you need to organize your life.

Well a little money wouldn't hurt. Since the Economy and stuff.

Is money all you need to start the next chapter of your life?

Yes. At least it's a stepping stone.

Is money really the answer.

No, but it's a start.

... and it goes on like that. I guess this guru is suffering from his own disillusion, since he is fasting for 2 weeks. I never got my answer, and I might not at the moment or ever. I am not saying Money is what I need. It really is hard to start something if you need to pay for a ticket to go away. 

For example, I had a really bad allergic reaction to something and I am on all these medications for allergies. The reason why is because the doctors don't know what I consumed that gave me a really bad allergic reaction. 

I was poked so much, and not the good type of poke. I got a Tetanus shot. A syphilis and HIV test to see what was the rash I had. They came out negative and and it was only a 1% chance that my rash was syphilis. Two anti-inflammatory vaccines. What a great way to start of the new year. 

Like I said... I am Broken.

Now I am tired.

I did it! Big difference, but at least now i got one thing done. Now a hundred to go. It's almost 4am. 

The Cleansing

I'm Lost.

I have no clue what I am doing or where to go. I pretty much kept myself out of contact with people. 

I was Listening to Nine Inch Nails, and their album "Downward Spiral" at this moment. It's a great album if you haven't listen to it yet. The album is chronologically stating a mans Downward Spiral into Madness and Depression. Maybe you aren't a fan of NIN like I am, but so far, at this moment I can relate to Trent Reznor, the man behind the band. Last year I came to rely on him as an Icon for the sadness people express, and turning it into beautiful music. I love HURT. Not the emotion, but the song in the album. Trent wrote that song in a difficult stage in his life, and by chance, that song always pops up in a difficult time in my life. I could blabber more about Hurt, Trent, and NIN. However, I just want to get to the point. 

I am in a difficult time in my life right now where I am Lost. I lose focus of reality and go in to my paradise. I call my alter life a paradise simply for Ironic reasons; The Ironness for a girl with an audience of zero.  It took me awhile to realize I never did recover from my mental breakdown 3 and a half years ago. I guess I was just in cruise control from there on. 

I woke up one day to realize my whole life was ascending into a downward spiral. little by little, my whole life has been falling apart like a game of Jinga. Just pieces of me coming out until I collapse.

"How could I have let this happen to me again?" I asked myself. It took time for me to realize that I am in a rut. I find myself starting things, but never finishing them. I feel so unmotivated. I made a bracelet out of paper the other day and hated it. Looking at it I felt not proud, but the opposite. I felt shame for mastering such a worthless craft. I never made a paper bracelet again.

Is my life the way it is because I am lazy? If so, I will find it very hard to respect myself. 

So now what?

I will start with the obvious. Organizing my life. To start, I will clean up my surroundings and propably that will motivate me to clean up my life. To start. I will clean my room. 

I found a box in the garage with all me old stuff. I was supposed to take out one thing, but ended up taking all of it out, and leaving it out. 

I can't believe that all these clothes are new and never worn.

Well, here is the shelf that I have up, and I curse my mother for nailing it there. Reason is that I know it will keep me from getting more stuff and having it in a soulless place to put it.

This closet is also cluttered, and those clothes on the floor are also new and unworn.

I will start by organizing that, See if it motivates me to organizing something. Such as my life.

I will post a blog later on tonight or tomorrow to show you that I am taking steps to fixing my broken life. Soul searching here I come.