Dead Souls

I have been in this strange period in my life for quite sometime. I seem to hide it very well by not talking about it, and just writing it here where no one can read it, but a selected few. I did get all this talk about finding God and Jesus Christ. I did talk to them for 3 years about all the WHYS. Why did I end up with parents like this? Why is it that everything I do back fires? Why are people yelling at me when I can't hear their words but their anger.Why is everything bad happing to me?

After some time of bruising my back and knees, I came to realize that the reason why those two up above weren't hearing me, was because they don't exist. Yeah, Christianity does give good advice that is written in stone. All that is probably good advice, if you have shit for brains.  

Wish

Sorry if I haven't written anything lately Blog. 

Well, I have been writing, just not posting it.

I just know that only a few people are reading what I have to say. 

Times are hard and so is my life.

I'll post something when I want to share more details of my life to my readers. 

Broken

It seems that I am all alone. 

 However, I want to be in my rut to see how I can get out. It's hard to feel something when you feel so unsure and unmotivated. I now that my last blog was just about me cleaning my room, but underneath the subtext, it was me screaming silently. I needed to re-read it to see how dull my life is. The other day I was talking to a friend, and he told me that everyone was in the same situation. I find that hard to believe since at the moment I am broken. Everyone that nows about this stage in my life, is trying to help me. I don't deserve it. I don't believe that everyone is exactly where I am. I am locked in my head with thoughts of failure and bad memories. Those thoughts, ideas, and memories are running in my head like a bad Backstreet boys song. I guess I need to get away. I talk to this wannabe Guru the other day about finding a purpose. He just kept on asking me circular questions. You know that one story about the old woman and the turtles. The old woman believed that the universe was on top of a turtle. When she was asked what is holding up the turtle, she replied "Another turtle." The meeting was something like that. The Guru asked me What do I want? ...

I want to feel less like a failure.

How will you do that?

I don't know. Maybe start with baby steps and organize my life.

what do you need to organize your life.

Well a little money wouldn't hurt. Since the Economy and stuff.

Is money all you need to start the next chapter of your life?

Yes. At least it's a stepping stone.

Is money really the answer.

No, but it's a start.

... and it goes on like that. I guess this guru is suffering from his own disillusion, since he is fasting for 2 weeks. I never got my answer, and I might not at the moment or ever. I am not saying Money is what I need. It really is hard to start something if you need to pay for a ticket to go away. 

For example, I had a really bad allergic reaction to something and I am on all these medications for allergies. The reason why is because the doctors don't know what I consumed that gave me a really bad allergic reaction. 

I was poked so much, and not the good type of poke. I got a Tetanus shot. A syphilis and HIV test to see what was the rash I had. They came out negative and and it was only a 1% chance that my rash was syphilis. Two anti-inflammatory vaccines. What a great way to start of the new year. 

Like I said... I am Broken.

Now I am tired.

I did it! Big difference, but at least now i got one thing done. Now a hundred to go. It's almost 4am. 

The Cleansing

I'm Lost.

I have no clue what I am doing or where to go. I pretty much kept myself out of contact with people. 

I was Listening to Nine Inch Nails, and their album "Downward Spiral" at this moment. It's a great album if you haven't listen to it yet. The album is chronologically stating a mans Downward Spiral into Madness and Depression. Maybe you aren't a fan of NIN like I am, but so far, at this moment I can relate to Trent Reznor, the man behind the band. Last year I came to rely on him as an Icon for the sadness people express, and turning it into beautiful music. I love HURT. Not the emotion, but the song in the album. Trent wrote that song in a difficult stage in his life, and by chance, that song always pops up in a difficult time in my life. I could blabber more about Hurt, Trent, and NIN. However, I just want to get to the point. 

I am in a difficult time in my life right now where I am Lost. I lose focus of reality and go in to my paradise. I call my alter life a paradise simply for Ironic reasons; The Ironness for a girl with an audience of zero.  It took me awhile to realize I never did recover from my mental breakdown 3 and a half years ago. I guess I was just in cruise control from there on. 

I woke up one day to realize my whole life was ascending into a downward spiral. little by little, my whole life has been falling apart like a game of Jinga. Just pieces of me coming out until I collapse.

"How could I have let this happen to me again?" I asked myself. It took time for me to realize that I am in a rut. I find myself starting things, but never finishing them. I feel so unmotivated. I made a bracelet out of paper the other day and hated it. Looking at it I felt not proud, but the opposite. I felt shame for mastering such a worthless craft. I never made a paper bracelet again.

Is my life the way it is because I am lazy? If so, I will find it very hard to respect myself. 

So now what?

I will start with the obvious. Organizing my life. To start, I will clean up my surroundings and propably that will motivate me to clean up my life. To start. I will clean my room. 

I found a box in the garage with all me old stuff. I was supposed to take out one thing, but ended up taking all of it out, and leaving it out. 

I can't believe that all these clothes are new and never worn.

Well, here is the shelf that I have up, and I curse my mother for nailing it there. Reason is that I know it will keep me from getting more stuff and having it in a soulless place to put it.

This closet is also cluttered, and those clothes on the floor are also new and unworn.

I will start by organizing that, See if it motivates me to organizing something. Such as my life.

I will post a blog later on tonight or tomorrow to show you that I am taking steps to fixing my broken life. Soul searching here I come.