However, I want to be in my rut to see how I can get out. It's hard to feel something when you feel so unsure and unmotivated. I now that my last blog was just about me cleaning my room, but underneath the subtext, it was me screaming silently. I needed to re-read it to see how dull my life is. The other day I was talking to a friend, and he told me that everyone was in the same situation. I find that hard to believe since at the moment I am broken. Everyone that nows about this stage in my life, is trying to help me. I don't deserve it. I don't believe that everyone is exactly where I am. I am locked in my head with thoughts of failure and bad memories. Those thoughts, ideas, and memories are running in my head like a bad Backstreet boys song. I guess I need to get away. I talk to this wannabe Guru the other day about finding a purpose. He just kept on asking me circular questions. You know that one story about the old woman and the turtles. The old woman believed that the universe was on top of a turtle. When she was asked what is holding up the turtle, she replied "Another turtle." The meeting was something like that. The Guru asked me What do I want? ...
I want to feel less like a failure.
How will you do that?
I don't know. Maybe start with baby steps and organize my life.
what do you need to organize your life.
Well a little money wouldn't hurt. Since the Economy and stuff.
Is money all you need to start the next chapter of your life?
Yes. At least it's a stepping stone.
Is money really the answer.
No, but it's a start.
... and it goes on like that. I guess this guru is suffering from his own disillusion, since he is fasting for 2 weeks. I never got my answer, and I might not at the moment or ever. I am not saying Money is what I need. It really is hard to start something if you need to pay for a ticket to go away.
For example, I had a really bad allergic reaction to something and I am on all these medications for allergies. The reason why is because the doctors don't know what I consumed that gave me a really bad allergic reaction.
I was poked so much, and not the good type of poke. I got a Tetanus shot. A syphilis and HIV test to see what was the rash I had. They came out negative and and it was only a 1% chance that my rash was syphilis. Two anti-inflammatory vaccines. What a great way to start of the new year.
Like I said... I am Broken.
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